Something I’ve learned from personal experience as the aggressor and as the receiver is this: HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.
It’s not a new revelation. It’s as old as humankind itself, I’m sure. When we hurt, we tend to hurt others until we are able to heal.
Something else I’ve learned is this: WE CAN BE HEALED AND STILL HURT.
Again, not a new revelation, but I think there is a message out there that when we are healed, we are suddenly enlightened beings who do nothing but meditate and spread pure light across the world.
No. Sorry. Not true.
We’re human and we are human until we die and move on to whatever happens after we die. Humans are flawed animals with a conscience – beautiful, to be sure, but painfully flawed.
Haters Will Hate
Here’s the thing though and it’s something I’ve learned through my thirties and now into my forties and it’s this. If you’re looking for someone to knock you down as you grow, as you heal, and as you progress through your life, whether to be healthier, to be sober, to be a better mother, to further your education, to pay off your debt, to get fit, to eat better, to shed some weight – you will find someone who is happy to kick you right smack in the teeth and then expect you to thank them for it.
The sad part about it is you won’t have to look far. You likely have someone in your very own family who is more than happy to do this. When I graduated from university, a very close family member posted to Facebook something along the lines of: “Oh sure. She’s so proud. She’s never accomplished anything in her entire life.” She wasn’t directing this at me. I had been blocked. It was directed at someone else who had posted how proud they were that I accomplished my goal.
In recent years, I received hate from another person, whom I should never have allowed back in my life, but did, because as I have stated before, I’m rather a slow learner where human interactions are concerned. This person after what she declared to be “a bit to drink,” something along the lines of using her childhood experiences as excuses for her behavior, said something about my “guru complex,” and something about not interacting with my posts. I didn’t actually read the message. I only saw those snippets as I was trying to figure out how to delete it. Several years ago, I was hated by this person and unfriended because I chose to vote third party and expressed my dislike of both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.
The thing is, years ago, I let it get to me. I freaked out. I wondered if this person was right. I left Facebook. I isolated myself from everyone, basically and doubted and questioned my very existence. I questioned whether or not I was a bad person. I questioned whether or not I even needed to continue in this life. I even hated myself for a while because I could possibly come off this way to someone. How could I have felt such a disconnect between what was in my heart and what I was apparently portraying to the world? If someone saw this in me, it must be true! I thought.
Let me be clear here. I am not and have never claimed to be a guru to anyone and have zero interest in it. I have shared Beachbody programs and such when I did that and I actually still do, even though I’m not a coach. I have shared essential oils, because I’ve been using them since the late 1990s and love them and continue to buy and use them through doTERRA, but I have never claimed that they are the only oils anyone should use, (as a matter of fact, I have even recommended Mountain Rose Herbs to others) nor have I ever claimed that they can heal anything.
Other than that, I like to encourage people, especially women to be empowered to manage their own health and well being. I stress individualism. While yoga may work for one person, it may not work for someone else (myself included). While one woman may enjoy meditating, another may prefer kickboxing to calm themselves, and yet another may prefer to be in the garden (ME!). I have never and will never claim there is one way to be healthy or balanced, or enlightened.
Time, Growth, Becoming Me
That said, I let this person, this hater, affect my life to an intense degree. But it was not all for naught. While I was isolated, I reconnected with Myself and have come out stronger and more humble, and more confident at the same time.
This time, instead of letting this person get to me, I didn’t bother to read the text or the message and simply deleted them and then deleted any possibility of correspondence with this person. I also blocked this person from any and all social media correspondence, except this blog.
This person is a family member by name, as we have only met twice in my life. Once as a child and once as an adult. I hardly know this person and from what I have known of this person, it’s been mostly negative. What I’ve learned since I’ve worked on sobriety and being true to myself is this: IT’S OKAY TO LET GO OF SOME PEOPLE.
Hurt people, hurt people.
I have mentioned her before how I have a co-dependent tendency and when I know someone is hurting, I tend to list the excuses as to why they feel the way they feel and I list even more excuses for their behavior. From there, I berate myself for not being more empathetic to their plight. I wonder if my impatience with their ‘tude is evident of my having a cold heart. Co-dependent people will come up with all sorts of excuses for others and they will continue to allow shitty situations to go on because they feel guilty if they don’t.
Healed, but Still Learning
I am still learning. Like I’ve said over and over here on the blog, I don’t have it all figured out and I may never have it all figured out. I do, however believe that I am healed. I also believe that after we’re healed, we can still fall down. We can still hurt inside and hurt others. I think what we gain is grace, forgiveness, and the strength to say: Hey, I really fucked up and I’m sorry and I’m going to do better.
What I’ve also learned in the last couple of years is this: I don’t have to fix anyone else. As a matter of fact, I can’t fix anyone else. We each have to fix ourselves. I don’t have to have a spiritual purpose in this world to be worthy. I can be a bitch and still be worthy. I can say no. I can block negative people from my life, and I can even – take a deep breath – just not care and still be a worthy human being.
And so can you.
Yes, hurt people hurt other people, but we do not have to allow that to continue in our lives. We are allowed to say, “Enough is enough.” We are allowed to keep them at a distance and still hold them in our hearts and pray for them, or whatever we feel led to do, because they really are hurting and they, too, deserve the freedom that healing brings. It just doesn’t mean it’s our responsibility and that’s a hard thing to acknowledge – at least it was for me.
We are allowed to give ourselves some love and empower ourselves to close some doors with zero regret. It’s okay. Let them go. Don’t lock the door unless you really feel you need to, but definitely close that door. You’re worth it.
I also have to say this:
Never let anyone else have too much control over you, whether it’s through hate or encouragement. In the end, it’s what you think that matters.
You be you. Let them hate. Let them cheer.
Let none of it matter too much.
PS. Are you interested in learning more about a “guru complex” or dealing with someone who is a narcissistic healer or guru? Click here.