I’ve tried on so many hats in my life.
It’s weird, that things we do and stand up for and feel deeply passionate about, eventually slip from our fingers.
Does that mean they were never for us? Does it make us hypocrites when we turn away from them? I don’t think so.
Maybe we’re not meant to find that One Thing. Or to be more specific, maybe we’re not all supposed to find that One Thing and that’s okay.
Maybe some of us are supposed to try many different things in our lives.
I think I’m one of those people.
There’s nothing that makes me feel deeply passionate. There’s no one thing that gets me up super early every single day, all revved up and ready to go.
A salad has never made me exceedingly happy, although I’ve eaten many salads that put a genuine smile on my face.
Yoga has never dragged me from my slumber on a regular basis.
Being Vegan didn’t make me healthier. It made me sick. My skin dried out. My hair fell out.
Water is great, but boring after a while.
Teaching is not a calling. It’s a job.
I’ve given to those less fortunate and while I love that, I’m sick of the need to post about it that I see everywhere. I was the same way and it disgusted me.
Homeschooling is great, but for us, it’s just life and it’s hard for me to focus on it as something in and of itself. I have no idea how to be helpful in this area, although I am trying, because I really want to flip off anything pertaining to school and scream: LEARNING FROM LIFE IS THE BEST WAY!!! And leave it at that, but…documentation, accountability…
Social media mostly irritates me and yet I check it daily. I post more than I like and somehow even feel obligated to do so, which I find strange. It’s like, if I didn’t post it, did it even happen? Am I a real homeschooler if I’m not posting the “learning” my kid is doing? And what about the quality of posts? If the pics aren’t beautiful, am I obsolete in social media land? If I post too much fun, am I blatantly boasting? If I post the struggle, am I just being ungrateful for the amazing life I’m not supposed to blatantly boast about?
Does any of this shit even matter? Apparently it does, or what’s the point of this post?
I’ve worn many hats and I honestly don’t want to wear any of them anymore.
It’s my own fault. I feel like if I’m not being useful to others, I’m pointless, and my life is without meaning. This is co-dependency at its worst! It seems I’m not alone…just look at Instagram. People seem to be aching to have purpose in this life. Reaching for straws to make a sunset have meaning, to make a precious moment with their children a lesson in life for others. To receive what? Some likes or comments or shares or saves?
I do it all the fucking time.
Why do we feel the need to prove that our lives are not “a waste?”
Can I be honest?
I really just want to be here for my kids and my grandkids and my husband. I want to read and write, and take shitty pictures that mean something to me. I want to grow food for my family, not the whole neighborhood (although I love sharing). I want to look at the world more than my phone. I want to live and feel as free as I am able for this one SHORT life that I live. I want to see as much of the world as I can and create things that matter to me. I want to simply BE. I am tired of trying to prove myself to others and I am realizing that I never have needed to do that.
The fact is: we cannot be everything to everyone else. There will always be haters, no matter what you do. There will always be supporters, no matter what you do. Neither of these groups of people matter more than what YOU think of what you’re doing.
So, what are you waiting for? Whatever you do today, whether it’s going to work, staying home with the kids, or simply breathing, do it true to YOU. Enjoy every moment. Take in every single second of your existence.
You can never get this day back.
Make sure you spend it doing more of what brings you joy, rather than that which only serves to bring you validation or attention.
You are amazing.
Shine your light.