Working through the Mental Muck

Earth knows more about the inner workings of my heart and mind than anyone I have ever encountered.

In a way, this simple fact has created great gorges in my friendships, as I am not one to divulge information or troubles to others and thus inadvertently keep people at a distance. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told, “You’ve been a better friend to me than I have to you.”

I, in turn, try to explain why they may feel that way and it has less to do with their actions or inactions and more to do with my not confiding as friends are want to do.

I toil through issues, feelings, thoughts, and struggles as I use my hands, whether I am turning the soil in preparation for a herb garden, or in cutting fabric for a quilt. I generally think-work, where talking is not required and I can think whatever I need to think, be it kind and forgiving, or venomous and lashing and there is no harm in it and no need for apologies later.

When I feel sad, or pissed off, or otherwise unbalanced, I work my way through it, literally and figuratively. My work keeps me sane.

I come here sharing with you what I’ve learned so that perhaps you can learn from me (or in spite of me) a way that works for you. I’d never pretend to be a mental health expert and laugh at even the thought of that! Do not in any way quote me on anything I say regarding mental health.

I literally have no idea what I’m talking about.

All I know is I’ve learned to navigate my roller coaster emotions with my arms waving in the sky and a smile on my face and for that I’m grateful.

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A lot of it happened when I stopped thinking of myself as “broken.” I detest the notion of anyone regarding herself as broken. You may have gone through hell. Your father may have hurt you. Your family may desert you. You may have been beaten as a child, locked in a closet most of your life, abused by your spouse, or paralyzed from the neck down, but you are not broken unless you declare yourself as such.

And I believe that in declaring ourselves as broken, we further take upon ourselves the false notion that we are not enough, or worthy, or equal to the next person.

When we actually are.

Just as we are.

In all our perceived imperfections.

 


 

I can lift soil from one area of my yard and it is completely different from soil in another area of the yard. They look different, drain different, and even smell different. I could cry and complain about the soil differences, or I can accept what is there with an open heart and an open mind and get on with it. Instead of trying to force the same plants to grow in both areas and look exactly the same, I can allow them to support diverse plant life and love them for the aesthetic they provide. Sure, I’ll amend the soil. I’ll tend the plants, but there’s not need in trying to get both areas to be the same.

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Yet how often do we do that to ourselves? How often do we look at ourselves as “lacking,” while glorifying others?

We like to blame it on the highlight reel, but it’s actually us. We do it. We glorify others and place them on pedestals we build and then we compare ourselves to the lofty false assumptions we have of others we barely know…or even friends who we only know through coffee shop visits, play dates, or ladies’ nights out.

There’s no need for any of this. Like the various soils Earth provides, each of us comes with our own unique qualities. Some of us may need extra support, but that doesn’t mean we’re broken, anymore than hard clay is broken.

Broken-ness does not exist.

You are not broken.

You are whole, multi-faceted, and beautiful and fully capable of creating a beautiful life for yourself, if only you’d come to accept yourself just as you are, right at this moment.

You see, I’m fully aware of my anger at the moment. I accept it. I am angry. However, I’m also forgiving. I am loving. I am kind and generous. I am protective of my family, especially my children. However, I also have a lot of faith in the Divine and believe everything happens for a reason.

What do you know about yourself at this moment in time?

Take note and accept it. Say it out loud.

Let go of the worry that you’re somehow not enough.

Step out in faith.

And, if you have the ability to get your hands in the soil or to create something with your hands, get them busy doing something – creating something beautiful to help you move through the muck in your mind.

Be well, my friends,

Xx

Resa

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