Navigating the Riptide

I’ve got some jazz playing, a steaming cup of coffee sits next to my keyboard, and the white light reflecting off the snow outside fills this space. Inside, my body feels calm, content, and strangely light, as I type.

It’s a relief from what I’ve been experiencing this week after quitting my nightly wine habit. If you’ve just joined me here, let me explain: I quit drinking my 2-2/12 glasses of wine each night. Half a bottle, in all honesty. My husband and I shared a bottle of wine almost every night and well, nine days ago, we quit.

While the last couple of days have been really good, my mood was unpredictable up until that point. I also went from feeling like I was freezing to feeling overheated. I’ve had the strangest dreams the last few days, but I’ve slept better than I have in years. The worst part to me, was the bloated feeling. I swear, I felt like the biggest person in the room and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve berated myself for “being so fat.” I’m not fat, but I felt so bloated and sluggish and just….terrible. “Fat” was the easy go-to word to describe that. I know physical appearance isn’t everything, but to say it doesn’t matter is an untruth. Even monkeys, dogs, cats, and birds groom themselves and take pride in their appearance. The only time they don’t is when they’ve gone through trauma of some sort. It’s perfectly okay to care about how we look. It’s just a danger to think that’s the rent we pay to exist in this world.

Today, I feel some relief from that. Thank goodness. Last night, as I was about to cry for the crappy bloated feeling, I switched the narrative and thought, “You know what? My body is going through a lot right now because of the choices I’ve made in the past. It’s working really hard to find its balance and for that, I’m grateful. Thank you, body. I love you, body.” And I went to sleep.

I’m on day nine of healthier living and I have to tell you, I’m feeling really good today. It’s funny how a habit can really mess with us mentally. The changes have been interesting to observe, for sure. I have intermittent cravings for wine, but so far they aren’t as bad as I expected. when I get grumpy, I remind myself that it’s not the outside “stressor,” but my cravings talking, and I let it go.

I’m trying to show myself some grace, while also trying really hard to be patient, especially with my sweet little daughter. It seems she’s been especially rambunctious this week, but really, I’m sure she’s behaving the same as usual, I’m just not seeing life through the velvet wine haze. Overall, I’d say I’m doing pretty well.

I’m aware, however, that there will likely come a time around the 4 month mark, when I’ll really start craving wine and a little voice in my head will tell me I’m “okay, look how easily you got to this point. You’re fine. Have a glass…or two. You can always quit again.”

Addiction is a strange animal.

photo on 1-17-19 at 11.14 am

One thing I’m really stoked about is that the dark circles under my eyes are diminishing and my skin is less dry. Even my wrinkles are less visible. Dehydration can really make us look older and tired. This is one change I’m really enjoying. The thing that kinda bugs me is that I’m breaking out, (I’m 42! Can’t I finally have nice skin?!) but I know that this is likely toxins leaving my body. My poor liver must have been working so hard trying to eliminate the alcohol from my system and lacking the enzyme to break it down (as all women do), my body really suffered. This picture of me, without makeup and boasting a few blemishes is kind of a picture of success. I feel proud of myself and I’m eager to see where this leads.

I do have to say….being sober has really increased my desire to work on another writing project I’ve put aside. Maybe I’ll get back to it.

Best wishes, mamas. Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading and for hanging with me as I navigate this new bit of my life. As I stated before, I promise not to make this blog about that, but it IS a blog for women, for moms…and our personal struggles and successes are a big part of who we are, right? I felt it would be dishonest not to include this. I thought maybe there might be another mom out there struggling too and maybe she’s afraid of how it might look to share that with other moms, especially the homeschool moms. But I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to be who you are, where you are right at this moment.

xoxo

Resa

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