Happy New Year, Mamas.
I hope you find yourself well and happy today and looking forward to all of the potential this new year holds. Every day does, actually. It’s funny how we put often put all our chips into the first few weeks of a new year and we fail to realize that every single day is a new opportunity, with as much potential as New Year’s Day.
Every day can be and is, really, the first day of a new year and all we have to do is recognize that and embrace it.
I sit here at the desk in what my daughter and I have dubbed “the learning room,” as if learning only occurs here…but really, the kitchen table might better embrace that term, or perhaps the master bedroom, where my daughter and I often cuddle up to read…or maybe our yard. Really, this room acts more as a storage room, where we neatly house all that we need to create. On our desk at the moment, sits an in-progress quilt, the digital camera, a science activities book, the sewing machine, a solar system model, and a math book, along with other miscellaneous items. It’s a smorgasbord of needed materials for projects we typically carry off to another more comfortable spot to actually do our work.
I’m up here today because I’ve been watching videos about laying tile and hanging drywall. I want to learn more about home remodel so we don’t always have to call someone else to do the work for us. Besides, I really love getting my hands dirty and I love that type of work. Last week, I tore out the bar in the kitchen to make more space for our family. I removed it with only a hammer and a flathead screwdriver. Sure, there are easier ways to do it, but if I had thought that way, it would still be sitting there, because I didn’t have the “appropriate” tools on hand. Instead, I believed in my ability, and I held on to the notion that by removing it slowly, piece by piece, I was showing respect for the man who built it.
We can see the potential of where we are right this second, or we can sit back and wait for something “better,” or we can sit back and settle into the lie that where we are right now, is somehow not enough.
Every day we have this choice.
Every day is like New Year’s Day and we can take the opportunity to start afresh, or we can hold on to our limiting beliefs. it’s our choice.
I choose to see potential.
In myself and in others.
I can be so hard on myself….my “broken record” monologue includes things like:
You’re too opinionated and you know opinions are the lowest form of intelligence, so you must be pretty stupid. You’re just a stay-at-home mom. No one takes you seriously. Who do you think you are to think you can do THAT (insert whatever idea I had)? You’re not pretty enough to have an attitude (I think someone actually said this to me once, when I was mouthing back to them and it just became part of my “truth”). You have too many ideas and it makes you look like you have attention problems. How can anyone keep up with what you’re doing when you change your mind so much? No one cares. The ones who care only pretend to care because they’re trying to sell you something. You’re not strong enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not consistent enough. Maybe you should stick with what you know….home-work….and shut up. You sucked as a mother to your sons. They thrived in spite of you. Remember when you spanked them? You should have hugged them more. You’re too critical of everyone. You aren’t a good person, really, that’s why it’s so much work for you to try to be.
I could go on and on and on.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep, because this was basically replaying over and over and over in my head. It wasn’t this exact thing, but basically. It’s always the same things over and over and over. Last night, after several hours of this, coupled with me constantly checking that my daughter was still breathing (she was sick, so I was worried), I finally told myself to stop it. I said, “You know what? I’m not perfect. No mother is. I did my best with what I had at my disposal. My kids are amazing. I may not have done everything right, but we have so many awesome memories and I loved them more than anything on this earth.”
And with that, I went to sleep.
Most often, the broken record starts when I consider trying something new, especially if it means a lot to me. I think it’s the Evil that resides in all of us. The Evil that seeks to keep us down. Some call that Satan. Some call that our dark side. Whatever you want to call it, it sneaks up on us and can tear us apart from the inside and it seeps out into all areas of our lives, if we let it roam free.
The best part is we don’t have to listen to those lies. Every day we awaken with the opportunity to start anew, to rewrite our stories, and to move forward with love.
It’s not going to be easy.
Some days we’ll feel like we’ve fallen backward. Other days it’ll seem we’re on cloud nine.
It’s a journey and all journeys have challenges, but I think it’s worth it. I think it’s worth it to love ourselves, even in our darkest times. I think it’s worth it to see each day as a new beginning. I think it’s worth it to focus less on what we can’t do and focus on what we can do and are doing.
Today, I’m on day three of no wine. Today I’m on day three of giving myself a lot of TLC before I go to bed. Today I’m on day one of the rest of my life.
Today is a good day.